It's been over a year now since I last wrote and so much has happened... I moved out of my families home, I live by myself, pay for my college and have to take care of myself when I'm sick. I graduated from Ohlone and I'm know in Reno, working as a Sales Leader at Bath and Body Works while also going to school full time (Still for education). It's not always easy and I miss my mommy and family a lot, but I like it. Obviously I can't cover EVERYTHING that's happened in over a year, but there is a reason I'm writing tonight.
Just about a year ago I went to my doctor, I knew things weren't right. I was stressed. I couldn't think right, my grades were slipping and I was failing every test, crying myself to sleep at night. Yeah I take on a lot, at the time I was working full time and part time and going to school full time. But this wasn't me. I was diagnosed with severe anxiety and mild depression. A lot of it was onset by stress in my life. I often have panic attacks some way worse than other, some mild that I can talk myself out of having. I even planned my move to Reno a month and a half before school started so I wouldn't stress myself out too much. I went on medication. First I dropped 10 pounds in 2 weeks, then I gained back 12. (That didn't help much). Then I couldn't sleep, then I only wanted to sleep, after about a month things evened out and I felt so much better. Moving away from the things that stressed me out helped a lot. I felt happy again, like I could be this college aged girl, making friends and having fun. But lately it's come back.
I love my friends, but some days I over think things. I think no one will like me, that I'll say something dumb and it's all everyone will think about for weeks and remember forever. Some nights I want to go hang out with them and end up under my blankets hiding from the world. I hate confrontations Raising my hand in class takes about 15 minutes of talking myself into it, and that normally means that the time for my question is waaaaaay gone. I go to the math lab for help with my homework and get embarrassed to ask questions, which is the main reason for being there. But the worst part is, people don't understand. I get up early for class so that my hair and makeup will look perfect so no one can judge me about how I look. They think I can just do things. That it didn't take me 20 minutes to work up the courage to talk to someone, that I will over think everything in my head to the point that I stress myself out to the point of crying. They think that I'm just being shy or over dramatic. Teachers don't realize that calling on me in class when I don't have my hand raised is cause for panic. People don't get that it's not something I can just "get over". The worst was when someone told me to change what the voices said. As if I don't try. I try to drown them out, I try to make them go away, I try to just not listen. But can you ignore someone talking in your ear? Now imagine them even closer. It doesn't go away, you can't drown it out. You can't change that voice. And that voice is faceless, but it's your voice. It's like you hate yourself. It's not some kid at school that bullying you, it's yourself. I am my own biggest bully.
The hardest part is that at work, I'm fine. It's my escape I don't think about what I have to do at home, I don't worry about my relationships or stress. I can just do my job. I can turn my customers day around. I can make good numbers and control what people think of me. I can do it. Its what's easy. I love work. I have control. The voices leave me alone there because I know I can handle it and it's not my "real life" where I feel like I'm being judged every way I turn. And I want to feel like that everywhere.
And this is just me writing it all down. Wishing there was a little pill that would make everything totally better, not just mostly better. Wishing I wasn't scared to start conversations with people. Wishing I could be normal. Wishing my head would be quite. Half of this probably doesn't even make sense. But there is no way to describe it until you feel it. It's not that I get stressed when I have a lot on my plate. It's more than that, so much more.
