let's take a little break...

i'm going to write more today, take a quick break from the challenge. because i've been hiding behind it a bit...

you see, my life isn't what i thought it would be at this point.
i thought my dad would have a job by now
i thought i'd still be dating Kevin
i thought i would never lose some friends that i have
i thought it would be easy
and i was wrong about everything
now i'm not saying that all of those things are bad, yes, i've made some different friends, but i'm better with them. yes i thought i'd still be dating Kevin. but he's still my best friend.

in this time in my life feels so weird to me. i haven't actually been "single" for more then... 2 weeks, since i was 14, it's really been about 4 years... after my first boyfriend and i broke up, there was a guy right there, we didn't become a couple right away, but i was "taken" per say. after that break up, Kevin and i pretty much got "together" after all of about a day... (it's a cute story that i might write about someday... we'll see) and this time, Kevin and i went our separate ways, and 3 months later it's still me, myself and i. now, i'm not at all saying it's bad. it's probably better then what i have done in the past, but this is really new for me. i almost don't know what to do with myself. it's weird not to have another person that i'm connected to in that way.

i think i'm learning a lot during this period, i'm growing much closer to God, and i am happy, but life is weird. it's weird for me to just be emilie, and not be emilie and someone. i used to always be the friend with a boyfriend, now i am the single friend. it's not what i'm used to, and i'm going to learn from it, i'm just not sure how yet.

so that is why i haven't been writing as much. because i don't even know what i'm doing right now. i'm doing my best to figure it out. and most of the time, i am just fine, other times, it's the hardest thing i've done. i'm learning that it's okay to cry about. it's okay that i'm not okay all the time. it's okay that i'm not with someone. it's okay that i'm focusing just on me. but i have to learn how to do all of that. it's all stuff i thought i knew, but i didn't really. i know it's best that i'm learning this now, even though it's hard. but that doesn't make it easier. just because i know it's right or okay doesn't mean i'm happy with it. that's something i have to learn to. life happens. i can't stop it. i never will be able to.

basically, i know i'm growing more from this then i have in a long time. i know that's why things happened, it was time, i needed to move on and become my own person.
but that still doesn't mean i like it.
but i don't really hate it either
always,
emilie