Woodleaf, Mexico, Malibu and here.

if you haven't been able to figure it out yet, i'm just a girl running around in life, trying to figure out what i'm doing here. its a weird journey for me, because, before i got to this point in my life, i really didn't care. i knew what i myself wanted and figured that it would eventually happen. but i started growing up, and i figured out that if you want things to happen you have to at least be trying to make them happen.

i first started growing in my faith when i was 15, the summer after my freshmen year. i went to Woodleaf with Young Life for a summer camp. i wasn't at a good place with my life. i was hurting. my family was not doing well, as we had just had some pretty shocking events come out that changed all of our lives. (but that really isn't my story to tell. if you ask me in person i might answer you) and i was upset. i told God i was done with him. if he was going to do this to me, why should i even want to be with Him? the reason i went to camp? i was already signed up to go. and it meant i got to get away. i don't remember most of the lessons. only 1 really. i had fun, but i didn't share during the small group time. i hung out with friends, but i didn't connect. until the 6th night. after you've been in Younglife for awhile, you find out that night 6 is the cross talk at camp. well it hit me hard and fast this time. after the talk they gave us time to go outside and have a quite time with God. i sat there, angry, with tears rolling down my face. i told God that if He was there, if He cared at all about my life, this was His chance to prove it to me. to show me. and then, i felt it. i'm sure you know someone who is bigger then you and really good at giving hugs, well imagine that, times 1000x. it still wouldn't feel like i felt that night. wrapped up, warm and safe. it was like God Himself was sitting there, holding me as i cried.
i didn't need anything else. i knew that He really did care about me. i told him i wanted Him back, i wanted a relationship for the first time.

that's when my journey really started, then i joined up with Centerville Presbyterian Church. i began going to the youth group, i felt like i was accepted, i belonged. and it didn't matter who i was. i had a new start.
the spring break of my sophomore year, we went to Mexico the first time. it was the first time i started to open up to other people about my story, about how i felt before and after God. and while i learned a lot that trip, i still felt like i was stuck as that new Christian from the summer before. i wanted to grow, but didn't know how.

the next summer i went back to Woodleaf, i still felt like i was just stuck in this place of loving God, but not going anywhere with it. i was a Christian, but it was just a name, not a life style.

that spring break, it was back to Mexico. but it was different this time. i'm not even sure i could describe it, but i started to feel like it was time to break out of this place, to find myself. i started searching on this trip. but it was the summer after that everything will change...

the next summer, this last one (2010) i went to Malibu. as i've written in blogs before, this was a scary trip for me. but once i was actually there, amazing things happened. i felt God, i heard God, i saw God. i wanted God. i began to deal with many emotions while i was there. things i don't think i could explain and things that made me break down. i finally wanted to be myself. not the me that the world was telling me i was. while i was there, i learned more about myself then i knew before. i have to say, i think the best heart to hearts i had where with my friends Eric and Taylor. Eric was garbage boy, that meant it was his job to gather trash, sort the trash, and burn the trash. normally he worked with garbage man, but one night a week garbage man was busy elsewhere and Eric did it himself. i started following him those days, he wouldn't let me help (the garbage was pretty nasty) but i would sit on the garage bag i would unfold on the ground and we would talk. i'm not really sure how long they would last, but we had long talks. about everything. he helped me form many of my beliefs, helped me put wording and a voice to them. he also helped me through some tough news i received from one of my best friends while i was there. he would just hug me if i cried, and talk me though it if he could. i really wish he didn't live in North Carolina. Taylor and i bonded over the fact that we had one of the same struggles in life. never before had i met someone who could relate to me in so many ways. that helped me accept who i was and be okay with the fact that i messed up. and realize it wasn't my fault.
one of my leaders, Shari, sat with me one day on the steps, we talked, just talked about my life. everything, where i lived, my family and how i felt i had messed up. she was the one who showed me how, without me knowing it, past events where messing up my present. she gave me the knowledge on how to work past it. i couldn't thank her enough.

without that summer, i'd be scared to see who i'd be today. i have a feeling it'd be very different. and i don't think it would be good different.

i wish i could be back there, or that Malibu could be here. but that isn't possible, instead i have to make myself be that person here. it isn't easy, but i have finally realized, that for the first time in a long time. i'm actually happy. i'm happy all the way through. not just on the outside. and i have also found out that sometimes, you have to go through the pain and hurt to get to that happy. and i've never been more glad that i did.

also, you should check out JJ Heller's music. i love listening to her. it makes me smile.=]
random fact
i love scarves. a lot.

see you later!
emilie