this is the story of a girl, who learned how to live

i really don't know why i keep ending up writing this late at night, besides because that's probably when the most thoughts are going thorough my brain. and today, my thought is, life just sucks sometimes. i came across a blog of a couple who welcomed their little baby into the world in October, only to find out 2 months later that she has a huge brain tumor. as of today they have been given the first chance to save their daughters life. by a radical 20 hour surgery. who wants to chose that? if you want to follow their story, here's the link:
http://brandiandchris.blogspot.com/ 
let me warn you, it's heart breaking to read.

i can't imagine what that must be like, when right now, my biggest worries are about finishing my homework, getting the classes i want and figuring out what i'm doing for New Years eve. now, i'm not saying my life is easy, if you know my family at all, you know that my dad was out of a job for a year and a half before getting a part time job at Borders last month. and that just over a month ago we watched my Uncle Stephen leave us and go onto heaven. today (well yesterday since its after midnight) is his birthday. he would be 65. that was a huge struggle and heart break that we all had to go through. yeah, moneys tight, and frankly, it sucks. i'm a thrift store shopper, but right now, i'm just glad that i have my family.
we might be pretty much broke, but we still have our home, we are all still healthy and we all have each other. i couldn't picture my life without any of them, no matter what i say no. heck, i'm luckier then most people, but then my heart breaks when i see something like this. how could God give so much to me and then have this family face the possibility that they may never see their daughter have her first steps, her first words, her first day of school?

right now me and my mom are looking for songs for my graduation slide show, one that we will probably be using is Taylor Swifts "Never Grow Up" and now, in this moment i wish i could go back in time and be that little girl again, the one with out a care in the world. the one who can hide under her blankets and just pretend something didn't happen. 
some days, i don't like being a almost gown up. i don't like the pressure, the decision making i have to do. i'm scared of growing up, not because i don't want to get old, but because i'm scared of what parts of life i'll have to face. i've already had to make some hard choices in life, and been given some crap to deal with. but i'm still a child for now, i can run and cry and throw a fit if i want to. (well, sometimes) but my days of running are limited. now, like the Bible verse promises (and i can't think of the reference) i know God will never give me more then i can handle, but some days, i wish He would stop testing my limits.

part of me wishes i had a dumb story to end this with, and another part wants to keep it a little more serious. i think that part is going to win...
in Malibu (the camp i volunteered at over the summer) i learned a lot about myself, i really learned how to have a conversation with God, i learned some very personal things too, that honestly, nobody but me and God may know about, but one thing that i learned there, was that no matter what, He is always there. we shared our testimonies as a group. ive never seen so many tears. i was the first to go actually, we started off doing 4 sentence testimonies, but as we grew closer, many of us ended up going long over our limit and then some, like me, finally admitted things to the group that i had kept hidden before. we where sitting on the outer dock, looking at this view as we opened up parts of our hearts that where, before unseen by everyone besides ourselves and God...

how i wish i could share how freeing it felt to share that part of me. in that group that i knew there was no judgment, nobody would look on me differently for being flawed, because, we all knew that we where, but we all loved each other and God. really, i don't know where i would be now if it wasn't for that trip. it was one of the hardest things i've ever done in my life. my parents got to stay with me at the gate for my plane, and as soon as they called my row, i looked at my parents and realized, i wouldn't see them for a month. that i wouldn't even be able to hear my mom's voice and could only depend on a letter that may or may not make it on time. as i got onto the plane my tears started, i'm pretty sure the couple next to me was on there way to there honeymoon and i felt a little bad because the women was pretty worried about me. once i landed, i started to feel my tummy sink deeper and deeper, nobody was waiting for me (i later learned that they had written my time down wrong) and i wandered around by myself for a bit, feeling more lost then ever. once i met up with the group, i was sitting and talking to 3 girls i had never met before, along with 2 leaders, having talked to just one on the phone a week before. i almost called my mom to tell her i wanted to go home. i was scared.

why?

because at this point, i hadn't learned how to keep God in my life it wasn't until a week in that i started to be happy to be there, sad that our time was short. until i started to open up to God and let him begin to work in my heart, i was miserable. sure i was having fun, but until that day, on the dock, i wasn't truly there. once i shared my story, once i let other people in, once i admitted my flaws, i finally got it. i had been holding myself so tightly, that i was blocking out God as well, by keeping my hurt my pain and my secrets hidden and blocked from everyone else, i had unknowingly cut out God as well. since that month i have never felt so alive, so willing to face life.

and then days like today hit. and doubt starts to creep back.

if you're close to me, you know i'm dealing with some heart break. and it wasn't until i gave that pain over to God as well, that i started to be able to let myself be okay with moving on from that chapter of my life.

i guess this post is all about how, really, i don't have a clue about what i'm doing in life, besides holding onto God, knowing that He will keep me safe. knowing that, while life isn't fair, there is a reason behind it. sometimes that hold is desperate and i feel like i'm hanging on just to make it out of bed. other days it's as easy as breathing. i'm still learning and frankly

i love it.

Random fact:

i hate having my hair in a pony-tail. only time it happens is if i'm working out

until next time

emilie