Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to
(Anna Nalick, Breathe)
that is how i feel. i'm putting out my thoughts and feelings in this blog. my life is in this (well most of it...) and it's scary. but it's freeing. it's freeing to not hold everything inside of me. it's freeing to finally let someone in. and yes, i don't put everything in here, but i don't share everything with everyone :) trust me, a few people know even more of my deepest and darkest secrets :)
but here it is. my life. as messed up and hurt as i may be. i'm still beautiful. and it's amazing. it's amazing that i have this God who cares so much about me that he would care enough to pick me up when i'm down. that no matter what the world thinks of me, He will always love me. even if the world uses my own words against me, God won't... He'll just wipe away my tears and find my smile again. sure i go through the hard stuff. but somehow, i've always made it out.
i was talking to a friend and i said something about how i have matured since something happened in my life a few months ago, but that i didn't like saying that, i didn't like saying i had grown up and figured things out. and she told me it wasn't something i should be ashamed of, it's something i should say hey, i got out of this, i grew from this, i figured this out. and i'm proud of it, because now i know so much more. and i liked that, that she told me it's okay to be sure of myself, that it's okay to know that i am growing and maturing. i feel like so often in the church we are told to look back at how we've grown, not see how we are growing in the moment. but it is okay for me to know that right now. as much as this thing sucks, i am growing from it. i don't have to wait months (maybe sometimes i won't see it for months... haha) i can know and see and feel what God is doing in me, without a little old lady story of "when i was your age, God did such and such, and looking back on it 20 years later..." no, i can say "RIGHT NOW i'm hurt, i'm broken and i'm weak, but you know what, i know why, God is helping me grow, God is helping me figure this out" i don't have to look back on my life to see that. i can see it now.
as scary as it is. i'll admit, sometimes i hate it, and it puts me in a bad mood. other times i'm just full of joy. it's like spiritual PMSing :) (if you don't know what PMSing is, ask your mom, don't tell her it came from me)
i'm sure you've read about this before, but on Sunday i will be leaving on a mission trip, i'm going to San Francisco with my church, now if you know me personally, you know i live in Newark, which is about 30-45 minutes (maybe, if that much) from there, with traffic. so you might now be wondering, why there? well where better to start your missions work then at home? i'm excited for this trip, i really think it'll open my eyes to a lot of new things. and while i'm gone i will not have my computer or be updating anything :) so you'll just have to wait to hear allllll about it once i'm back! or you could come to the May 1st service at church :)
random fact
^^^^^and frankly, i don't think that's a bad thing that i've changed, i don't care that you don't approve :) (yes this is passive aggressive, but i have to take my frustrations out somewhere!)
emilie
No comments:
Post a Comment