i haven't been writing as much on her because i keep other writings as well. a more private file if you will. some stories and poems and such... and a way more personal level. and at this point in my life i need to really spill out my thoughts. some of it might make it's way here at some point, but not yet.
basically. i turn 18 on thursday. yikes. and then the next weekend i graduate the first time, and the weekend after that the second time. yes i get to graduate twice. once with the homeschool group, the other time on campus. i'm excited but it really snuck up on me...
my life feels crazy right now, i'm trying to get a job, figure out where-ish i want to transfer to in a year and get my class schedule set for next semester, all while still trying to have a life. and it sucks that i seem to let God sink to the bottom of the list. but i've really been trying to work on that, which is why the blog has snuck even farther down to the bottom.
i just wish i was better at making sure i made it a priority everyday, instead of an option if i have time after i watch my tv shows and do my laundry and clean my room and everything else i can think of.
everything was so much easier in Malibu, and even afterwards when i had that spark still. i guess i'm looking for that spark again, something to light me on fire and get my butt moving.
it doesn't help that at this point i feel somewhat... lost. sometimes i wish i could just go back in time and see if i could change the way things turned out. even though i know what happened must have been for the best. it doesn't help me accept it. and sometimes i wonder if i'm just hurting myself more by dwelling on it.
i don't want to forever, i know i need to move on with my life. but it's so hard. i just don't know what to even feel sometimes.
well this ended up being a semi depressing post. really i'm super excited for my birthday and graduation. i guess i just want my answers. and i want them now. patience has never been my thing. :)
random fact.
whenever i put on chap stick i have to put like 50 layers on. and i will do it absent mindfully while i'm in conversation with someone. it's my awkward habit. please, tell me to stop if i do it to you.
emilie
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