did i just have a grown up moment?

ah, spring break is over and i have to say it was a good one. i feel like even though i didn't do much, i grew a lot. 
i got to see someone and figure out a lot of answers for my life that i had been searching for. i also messaged one of my good friends Eric, from Work Crew, and that kid can always make me feel better, no matter what. he encourages me and helps me figure out the tough answers.
i got to see Kevin as well and hang out. that was good, we got to catch up and everything, plus i got my hugs in until i see him next, probably at my graduation.
and that's really all i did during spring break. i also slept a lot. like a lot. i would wake up and eat and then nap. and then wake up and eat and go to bed. it was wonderful (no i'm not a real party person in case you couldn't tell)
lets see... i got some homework done and my room cleaned, so at least that was a bit productive right? :)
oh i also was invited into a Honors Society, Phi Theta Kappa. this makes me happy :) (just don't let them see this blog, i never capitalize at the start of a sentence or my i's, but i actually do that on purpose sooo...)

i feel like at this point in my life, i'm really finding God, it's exciting to me. i mean, i feel like i fall a lot as well, but i'm learning and learning and growing and searching and finding and i love it. i feel different then i ever have before. i feel happy and carefree (well, sometimes, school ruins that) and like i belong. even as i sit in my bed i feel like i belong. like i found my place. like someone out there is loving me (well He is) and i'm just happy. it feels like that really amazing summer day that goes on forever and everything goes right and you get sun kissed and nobody is mad or upset about anything. that's what it feels like. and i love it.
sure i still mess up. i mean, i still have a hard time reading my Bible, but i find myself praying a lot more. i feel myself being whispered to more, and i find myself responding as well. i don't understand why the God of everything decides that i'm worth his time, but i'm glad He does :)

random fact
i have never been sunburned in my life. even if i get a little pink one day, it's gone within hours.
emilie

it's Friday, Friday, gotta get down on Friday!!

i have a awful short term memory, amazing long term memory. sometimes i forget what i'm talking about with someone before the conversation has ended (opps) but i will remember what someone was wearing that one time we where at that one place 5 months ago. no it makes no sense to me, how i can remember something from months ago, but not 2 minutes ago.
that being said.
i had something witty and cool to write about.
i forgot :)

so... i painted my nails today, lavender and mint green. i couldn't pick one so i used both! and that's about the most exciting moment of my day. i've been doing lots of sleeping and school work over this break. and that's about it :) not that i mind, its pretty nice not to have anything to do.
my plans for tomorrow? pretty much the same thing, but i'm going to pick up my buddy Nick from school too, and babysit.
this weekend? who knows.
but i should probably get to bed now, cuz i keep going to sleep really late, then waking up really late. which is all bad :) i hate waking up late, feel like it ruins my whole day.
so i'm going to head to bed, and stop eating these pretzels. even though they're really good!

random fact

i feel like i finally realized something today. and i just want to say thank you to my best friend for helping me do that. for just letting me talk it out to you. it means a lot.
emilie

it's been awhile

and frankly i have my reasons (plus i like saying frankly) but they aren't going to all be laid out in this blog, because as personal as it is, it's not that personal. :) get to know me if you're that curious!
but today i got to met up with my best friend, and figure out everything i had been questioning. and as hard as it is to have those conversations sometimes, it feels so good once you're done with it. like the weight is gone and you're wondering why you didn't do that before (well i had a reason for that as well)
but anyways, i'm feeling much better now, questions and doubts have been answered and reassured. and while i'm not always happy with every answer, i understand them.

moving on, not much as really been happening in my life, i'm on spring break for this week, trying to fit in some fun stuff, but also get all my projects/presentations/homework crap done that's due right after.... i just love when teachers do that. i  have something due in all but one class. i have 5 classes. -__-
so hey, if you want to hang out anytime for the rest of this week, i'm pretty free as long as i get work done too!

but that's about all that's happened in my life.
i've also started playing words with friends (an iTouch/iPhone (Droid?) game) you should add me if you play
 my user name is emiberry

i'm going to go to bed now, so that i actually get up and make it to the gym tomorrow! swimsuit season is fast approaching! ;) haha

random fact

but i'm trying to get over that more and more

time to get some sleep!
emilie

am i really cut out for this?

now, i'm not the most exciting person in the world, and i'm pretty much the first to admit that. i do like to have fun and hang out with my friends, but sometimes, i just love a night in.  a night to kick back and relax. now this can be with other people or by myself.  hey, i spent my Friday night sitting with a old lady watching crime shows. (it was great, she giggles at the funnest moments) and now i'm sitting here, typing, listening to Glee (what can i say... i'm a total Gleek...hehe) and i also have a face mask on. (no, no picture.) and this is my idea of a nice Friday night. now, i'm not saying i don't like to get out and do things, but hey, every once in awhile, it sure is nice to kick back, and not be wondering if my make up is still in place or in fact melting down my face (it's normally the later by the end of the night. that's why you always start with the smokey eye, it's going to end up there anyways)
now give me a sec, i gotta wash this off or unknown bad things will happen (that's what the bottle says anyway)
whew, made it back, and my face is now cleaner and not melted off.
it's my spring break this week, and i'm not even doing anything. haaaa! actually, i am. i'm getting all my school projects done.
aaaand
Kevin's coming home for a visit. i haven't seen that kid since December 31st. sooo i'm pretty excited, even though he'll only be here for a week.
the only other thing i have planned? sleeeep. i need to catch up on some.
what can i say, i have a pretty normal and boring life. but i like it. i get just enough action in, at least for me.
though there are times i wish i had that person by my side. but hey, my time will come, right? i know that right now, i'm meant to take this time for me. to find me. to heal me. to fix me. to grow. but sometimes it's like "hey God, can i get an end date on this?" no i don't have all the answers, but wouldn't life be a tad bit boring if i did? :)

i wrote last time about how i'm a leader for the jr. high group, and i'm coming to learn, sometimes, it's really hard to lead, and even more so when you feel like you're just figuring things out yourself. like, how can i possible show this girl a role model, when everything about me is unfinished and incomplete? but i think i'm starting to learn, that is what it means to lead, no i'm not done, but i can show those girls just what is going on in my life, and share with them what i have gone through and made it through and just be there for them. sometimes, all you really need is someone to understand. you don't always need someone who has the answer, you just need someone who can say, i've been there. and you will make it.
that can mean a whole lot more then someone telling you what to do.
a  lot of times though, i feel like this.

that you just screwed up to many times to be any good anymore. what could God possible do with you?
but is that always true? you mess up once and then bam, out of leadership. you screwed it up. you're done.
if that was true i would have been done leading the day after i started.
but i have to say, those girls give me something to strive for. after seeing them grow for 3 years now, and knowing i was apart of that. it does something to you. they've been there for me more times then i can count. once when i was in the hospital, all of them signed a card for me. every single kid did. and one even wrote "i don't know who you are cuz this is my first time coming. but i'm praying you feel better" Peyton made me a huge birthday card last year. and so many times they hae just made me smile. something they say, or a hug they give me. one boy gave me his snow man mug to, cuz i really liked it. haha.
i really don't think you know love until a bunch of jr highers pile it on you.
i love them, and it's sad to think the girls i started with are moving onto highschool after this year (and it makes me feel old...) but i'm so excited to watch them grow even more.

random fact
my eye doctor has told me there is no name for my eye color, because they are in rings. so they aren't technically hazel. but they aren't brown or green. i have a brown ring on the inside, a ring of yellow (yes, yellow) and then a ring of green. they have already changed colors a few times in my life. i started out with bright blue eyes, the then turned brown from the inside out and for awhile i had brown eyes with a blue ring around them. then i had almost black brown eyes until i was about 14, then all of the sudden my hair got more curly (it was stick straight before) and my eyes changed to this. it's pretty weird.
until the next one,
emilie

BAM! done. :)

Day 30: a picture of yourself this day and 5 good things that happened since you started the challenge

yes, this is what i looked like today. i'm a jr. high leader at my church and it was zombie night. i think i did a pretty good job i you ask me :) (you can see baby me in the background.... awwwwwwwww and Spenser and my Uncle Stephen, tomorrow it'll be 4 months since he passed away) 5 good things.
hmm...
well, i've found a lot of pictures.
i've had to think about myself a lot
i've raised over half of the money for my mission trip
Glee started back up!
and i've only grown more in my relationship with God

sometimes, it feels like i'm stuck, and then other times, i look back and see how far i've come. i mean, life's a journey, it's not all a smooth flat path, sometimes there will be hills, even if i don't know i'm climbing one at the time.
but really, who cares as long as i grow, strengthen, and have fun, right?
sometimes it can feel pretty lonely on this little journey called life, but i just have to realize, that i'll always have the ultimate man there, God never leaves my side :) (cheesy, yes, but it's a truth i'm learning, he really is the only one i need)
well that the last of the 30 day challenge. guess this means i'll have to start thinking of more ideas of what to blog about on my own, or just want for the next turn God throws at me :)
until the next one,
emilie

my diary, my heart

i'm starting to feel so popular.
i've been read in over 12 countries (sweeeet) and it's gotten to the point were people now say "didn't you say that in your blog?"
hehe
does this all make me a nerd?
whateves.

if it does, i'm enjoying this little output of mine. it was never really something i thought a lot of people would start reading, it was more a little spot for my thoughts, and almost my diary, you see, i like keeping a diary, but one was stolen, and then, i'm just not really good at keeping up on them, i find typing easier then handwritten, for organizing my thoughts and such. also, i type a lot faster then i write, so hey.  but point being, i never figured i would one day be pouring my heart out into this, then posting it. but in a way, i think it has helped me get through more hard times then anything else. writing down some of my deepest thoughts, then publishing them, letting people in, but more importantly, letting them out. you see, i'm normally someone who keeps things to myself, i don't let that many people in. i hid behind my smile a lot. in fact, few people have even seen me cry. why? i don't know. but this is teaching me, it's okay to hurt, it's okay to be happy and it's okay to FEEL.
you see, i'm horrible at showing somethings. i don't like talking about deep issues. if i have a problem with someone, most of the time, they don't know it. you either have to know me REALLY well, or get me REALLY mad.
i can only thing of 1 time i've actually full out gone off on anybody. (okay, besides like my parents/best friends, but even that is super rare)
i just tend to keep everything, wrapped up tight inside. and i think that caused me way more stress then sharing my heart. now i'm not saying that everyone should go out and start telling their life story to the next stranger on the street. but really, what's the worst that can happen if we're open? someone rejects you because of your past? well would you really want to hang out with them anyways? i mean if you think about it, we put some much effort into what we want other people to think of us, wouldn't you want them to actually like the real you?
the real me that cries. the real me that doesn't always look good? the real me that forgets things? the real me that's awful at apologizing? the real me that sometimes just wants to tell you to f off? the real me that fears letting others in to share my pain? the real me that is broken beyond belief?
what would people do if i just started showing that, to everyone?
of course i couldn't pass off the pain or hurt to everyone, it should be controlled, but what am i so scared of? that someone will see who i truly am and love me for all that i am? why do i have to act like i have everything under control? i never do, never have and never will.
so why do i fake it?
i'd like one person to stand up and truthfully say that they don't have anything going on in life they wouldn't like to change, that they don't have one thing that's hurting them, that they can let go and forget that memory of the past, that they aren't broken.
no one can
but we judge people who are willing to share that?
how about not?
what if we rip down those walls, let someone in, and let somethings out?
really, what's the worst that could happen? you lose someone who really didn't care about you after all?

sometimes, i wonder if i care to much, but is that really possible? i don't think i should take on other peoples pain, but can i really care to much about a friend?
i don't think so.
and just think how amazing the world could be if we all started really caring, caring with all of our hearts for everyone, ripping down the walls we've put up and pouring out onto and into each other. think of the love we could spread. wouldn't that be a better message then any sermon?

Day 29: 3 Wishes
i wish i could get in the better habit of reading my Bible, it's one thing in my faith i'm really bad at.
i wish that some people would tell me what they really think of me
i wish i could fly, just because that would be awesome. and save on gas money.

random fact
for Lent, i gave up red meat. and depending on how this goes, i might slowly go vegetarian. or partly.
still tired from the time change,
emilie

a world of bliss, a world of fear...

Day 27: Original Photo of the city you live in
i just looked for like 20 minutes... i can't find one.
haaa
i live in Newark, CA. but i lived in Fremont until i was 13
i've only moved once that i remember :)

Day 28: Something that stresses you out
i can't really find a picture of this either... because i'm not really sure what one thing stresses me out
its a combination of a lot of things, school, boy, me, life. basically, everything can stress me. but that doesn't mean i'm always stressed. i mean, right now i am a little bit, but thats because i didn't really get anything done Tuesday, Wednesday or Thursday of last week, because i felt so bad. so i'm a tiny bit behind on school work, but i plan on finishing catching up on everything else tomorrow during my break at school. i should be just fine :)

now whats been on my mind?
everyone has two sides. every story has a different side, every song could mean more then one thing and every word could be taken differently. basically, nothing is really ever as it seems. even in having a normal conversation with someone, you could be hiding something, they could be hiding something, or you could take something in a totally opposite way of what they meant. 
there is always another side.
now what do we do with that? just let it happen? or question everything?
you see, i was driving around Fremont with my mommy and on Fremont Blvd, by the hub, by blockbuster, this was written
"question everything"
but is that really how you want to live your life? always questioning whats true and whats fake? or is it better to live in an unreal bliss where everything is fine and dandy in your world? frankly, the second sounds quite nice, but really, is that what you would want for all of your life? or should we be questioning everything? should we always be scared to walk out of our door, questioning what the neighbor really meant when they told me to have a nice day?

this is a picture a girl i know from friends/facebook took. i've never actually met her, but she seems pretty cool :) her names Emily Robertson. and i think that this is amazing.
we may all see a smiling face, but what's underneath can be quite different. you never know what someone is truly going through. anyone can put on a smile. but maybe, that's what you should be questioning. is it real?
or are you looking at a mask?

random fact
i have chronic hiccups. and everyone tries to tell me how to get rid of them when i start, but the thing is, nothing can stop them. i just wait it out. and poof, they go away.

questioning somethings,
emilie

lets press restart

i actually have something to write about guys!
i "un-dyed" my hair, meaning i took  a ton of super smelly chemicals (they smelled like poop.)  then let it sit in there for 20 minutes. now i thought that this would lighten up the dye, making it easier to dye over for the next time. i didn't really have high hopes, but no! this stuff took out almost ALL of the dye on my hair. all that's left is a little bit of the black on the bottom layer, making it a tiny bit darker then the rest.
but get this
i've always thought that my hair was brownish blonde (it was last i saw it) but no
it's strawberry blonde.
my mom says it looks just my grandmas hair color used to.
i'm pretty happy, and at least for now, it's staying this color :)

not the best picture, but hey, you get the idea.

also, last i wrote, i was suffering from what i thought was a ear infection. i went to the doctor and found out it was in fact, an ear infection... in both ears, plus a sinus infection and fluid filled ears leading to Vertigo. well that's fun! after some medication and some much needed sleep, i am feeling quite a bit better, i still can't quite hear right though! (put your hands over your ears and try to have a conversation with someone, that's what it's like) the funnest part of all of this was going to school with my hood up (it blocked of my vision somewhat on the sides, making me slightly less dizzy) and not being able to hear well. plus i was so dizzy that i pretty much couldn't walk straight at all. but hey, i made it! :)

Day 26: Your Dream Wedding
spring, outside, with tons of flowers and green around. i have a green bow on my dress, trailing down the train, my groom is perfect :) and is wearing a pink bow tie. the bridesmaids dresses match his bow tie, and the groomsmen match my bow. and we are hopelessly in love.
:)


random fact
i am still in shock after seeing my natural hair color for the first time since i was 12. that almost 6 years ago...
off to admire it some more! ;)
emilie

can someone stop this ride? i'd like to get off...

Day 23: Favorite Movie
um... already answered this one... haha
oopss :)

Day 24: Something you've learned
it's time for me to take care of myself and my relationship with God, even though i've found that to be really hard to do...

Day 25: Put your iPod on shuffle, first 10 songs
Better then Revenge - Taylor Swift
Jar of Hearts - Christina Perri
Smile - Glee Cast version (Lily Allen)
Sober - Pink
F**kin Perfect - P!nk
Tell Me Why - Taylor Swift
Shots - Lil John featuring LMFAO (don't judge me, i did a hip hop dance to this....haha)
Take My Hand - Shawn McDonald
Held - Natalie Grant
Hollywood's Not America - Ferras

my head is spinning. not in a good way either. my ears are stuffy and clogged and i can't walk straight or move my head without getting dizzy. it's tons of fun. going to try to figure out whats causing it tomorrow. wheeew.
yesterday was a super busy day. to start it off i got a test back. worst grade i've ever gotten in my life on anything... haha. but after the curve grading it moved up to a C.... i'll just let you figure out what it was before =p just shows me what i have to study more for next time + how to watch this teachers wording (he's one of those tricky ones) plus tons of other classes.  today i was going to get a lot done, but then i woke up and felt like my entire bed was on a ride spinning around. i managed to get all of my hw done, and luckily my teacher cancelled class tonight, so here i lie. hoping to feel at least a little better tomorrow, but i'll have to go get it checked out tomorrow as well, since it didn't go away today. i thought i was bad at walking before... haha.
i've been trying to go to the gym as often as i can, but these last few weeks i've just been thrown off of my schedule... it's frustrating to get into a routine then have to entirely start over. i'm even more frustrated because i'm the person who never gets sick. and i hate it when i do.

it's kind of like anything in life i guess though, i do so well doing my devotions for a few weeks, then i don't for a month. i keep my room clean for a few days, then it's crap again. it's so hard to keep the good habits, but so easy to fall back to the old/bad ones.
i'm beginning to find that this journey that i thought would be easy, is anything but. and sometimes i have to do something that really is hard to do. but it's part of me growing. and i know that if God had ever told me that i would be facing the things i am today, i would be running, as fast as i could in the other direction. and as tempting as that is at times, i'm glad i didn't. i'm glad i sat and listened in Malibu, when Sheri talked to me. i'm glad i followed through and stood my ground. i'm glad that i left myself be hurt. i'm glad i turned this over to God, even though, at times i hate it. i can't explain it much better, besides this, you know that pulling that splinter out will hurt. but it hurts now. and it will hurt when you pull it out, and probably after as well. but if you don't take care of it and endure the pain, it's going to fester, and become infected, and then, you'll be in a much worse position then if you had just taken care of it then and dealt with it.
that's sort of a gross way to put it. but i think it's true.

random fact

that's a gross picture. and i really do hate it. cover your toes!!
until the next one,
emilie

a snapshot of me?

Day 21: Favorite Picture of yourself ALL TIME Why?

i don't have one. why? because i never will. i'll never be done taking pictures. there's always a new day and a new moment to capture. i don't want to live in the past, as easy as it is to slip into those moments, i want to look at each day as a new one.

Day 22: What's in your purse?

.... ahahaha.
i doubt i could even start to list everything in my purse. really? who could. my purse is cute, it's a little zebra print one, i like it :) but it's full of stuff and downstairs. and i doubt you really care whats in it anyways. :)

life, it's so hard to think about sometimes. sometimes you want to go back, other times you want to jump forwards, and other moments, you never want to end. why is so hard to be happy in the time you're in? why can't i be satisfied with looking at it all as a journey? why do i have to know what's coming next, or what someone else will be doing?
i want to be happy, just happy with where i am, because i will always know it's going to change later, who knows if it's for good or for bad? but does it really matter? there is always a reason, because i know God doesn't do anything without a reason. and that might be the only thing i truly know now, at this point in my life.
and i think i'm okay with not knowing the rest...

random fact
i'm very sick of wearing either contacts or glasses. i've had to since before i was even 2 years old
trying to look forward,
emilie

a new month, a new start?

Day 19: Something you miss
i miss Malibu. i want something to pick me up again. i don't want to get stuck in a rut, i want my faith to keep growing. i need to find that thing or that person to push me, challenge me. make me grow. i miss that deep deep desire. i don't want it to fade away. but when life starts hitting you, it gets hard...

Day 20: Nicknames
i don't have many, but here we go
emiberry
emi
em
noodle nose (don't ask, no one knows)
i've had a couple people call me emma, which isn't used often, but i actually like it a lot
that's about it i think

basically, i feel like i've reached that point, i'm coming off of the high, the camp high if you will. Malibu is finally becoming more and more of just a memory, i don't want it to. i want to keep going, i don't know where to search to find it, i've read all the books, but it's getting harder. it's hard to read my bible, it's hard to not fall into a sin. it's hard to be content with my life, it's hard to keep hoping and praying. i want something, anything, to be easy for once. and i don't know where to find that. i mean, i know God, but i don't know where i am now, i don't know what i need to make me grow.  i'm trying to read Mere Christianity, but i get stuck, i'm trying to finish The Shack, but it frustrates me, because it is me. i try to read my Bible, but i don't know where to start.
i just want one answer, laid in front of me. that's more obvious then anything.
i just want to keep growing. i don't want to be stuck. i want to get past this and keep searching and keep becoming me, i don't want to hit the top of one hill and sit there, i want to climb the next one. but first i have to find the path.
or maybe, i have to create my own path...

random fact
i plan on legally changing the spelling of my name from emily to emilie once i'm 18 (surprise, i just started using a different spelling when i was 11, haven't gone back)

always searching...
emilie