my diary, my heart

i'm starting to feel so popular.
i've been read in over 12 countries (sweeeet) and it's gotten to the point were people now say "didn't you say that in your blog?"
hehe
does this all make me a nerd?
whateves.

if it does, i'm enjoying this little output of mine. it was never really something i thought a lot of people would start reading, it was more a little spot for my thoughts, and almost my diary, you see, i like keeping a diary, but one was stolen, and then, i'm just not really good at keeping up on them, i find typing easier then handwritten, for organizing my thoughts and such. also, i type a lot faster then i write, so hey.  but point being, i never figured i would one day be pouring my heart out into this, then posting it. but in a way, i think it has helped me get through more hard times then anything else. writing down some of my deepest thoughts, then publishing them, letting people in, but more importantly, letting them out. you see, i'm normally someone who keeps things to myself, i don't let that many people in. i hid behind my smile a lot. in fact, few people have even seen me cry. why? i don't know. but this is teaching me, it's okay to hurt, it's okay to be happy and it's okay to FEEL.
you see, i'm horrible at showing somethings. i don't like talking about deep issues. if i have a problem with someone, most of the time, they don't know it. you either have to know me REALLY well, or get me REALLY mad.
i can only thing of 1 time i've actually full out gone off on anybody. (okay, besides like my parents/best friends, but even that is super rare)
i just tend to keep everything, wrapped up tight inside. and i think that caused me way more stress then sharing my heart. now i'm not saying that everyone should go out and start telling their life story to the next stranger on the street. but really, what's the worst that can happen if we're open? someone rejects you because of your past? well would you really want to hang out with them anyways? i mean if you think about it, we put some much effort into what we want other people to think of us, wouldn't you want them to actually like the real you?
the real me that cries. the real me that doesn't always look good? the real me that forgets things? the real me that's awful at apologizing? the real me that sometimes just wants to tell you to f off? the real me that fears letting others in to share my pain? the real me that is broken beyond belief?
what would people do if i just started showing that, to everyone?
of course i couldn't pass off the pain or hurt to everyone, it should be controlled, but what am i so scared of? that someone will see who i truly am and love me for all that i am? why do i have to act like i have everything under control? i never do, never have and never will.
so why do i fake it?
i'd like one person to stand up and truthfully say that they don't have anything going on in life they wouldn't like to change, that they don't have one thing that's hurting them, that they can let go and forget that memory of the past, that they aren't broken.
no one can
but we judge people who are willing to share that?
how about not?
what if we rip down those walls, let someone in, and let somethings out?
really, what's the worst that could happen? you lose someone who really didn't care about you after all?

sometimes, i wonder if i care to much, but is that really possible? i don't think i should take on other peoples pain, but can i really care to much about a friend?
i don't think so.
and just think how amazing the world could be if we all started really caring, caring with all of our hearts for everyone, ripping down the walls we've put up and pouring out onto and into each other. think of the love we could spread. wouldn't that be a better message then any sermon?

Day 29: 3 Wishes
i wish i could get in the better habit of reading my Bible, it's one thing in my faith i'm really bad at.
i wish that some people would tell me what they really think of me
i wish i could fly, just because that would be awesome. and save on gas money.

random fact
for Lent, i gave up red meat. and depending on how this goes, i might slowly go vegetarian. or partly.
still tired from the time change,
emilie