am i really cut out for this?

now, i'm not the most exciting person in the world, and i'm pretty much the first to admit that. i do like to have fun and hang out with my friends, but sometimes, i just love a night in.  a night to kick back and relax. now this can be with other people or by myself.  hey, i spent my Friday night sitting with a old lady watching crime shows. (it was great, she giggles at the funnest moments) and now i'm sitting here, typing, listening to Glee (what can i say... i'm a total Gleek...hehe) and i also have a face mask on. (no, no picture.) and this is my idea of a nice Friday night. now, i'm not saying i don't like to get out and do things, but hey, every once in awhile, it sure is nice to kick back, and not be wondering if my make up is still in place or in fact melting down my face (it's normally the later by the end of the night. that's why you always start with the smokey eye, it's going to end up there anyways)
now give me a sec, i gotta wash this off or unknown bad things will happen (that's what the bottle says anyway)
whew, made it back, and my face is now cleaner and not melted off.
it's my spring break this week, and i'm not even doing anything. haaaa! actually, i am. i'm getting all my school projects done.
aaaand
Kevin's coming home for a visit. i haven't seen that kid since December 31st. sooo i'm pretty excited, even though he'll only be here for a week.
the only other thing i have planned? sleeeep. i need to catch up on some.
what can i say, i have a pretty normal and boring life. but i like it. i get just enough action in, at least for me.
though there are times i wish i had that person by my side. but hey, my time will come, right? i know that right now, i'm meant to take this time for me. to find me. to heal me. to fix me. to grow. but sometimes it's like "hey God, can i get an end date on this?" no i don't have all the answers, but wouldn't life be a tad bit boring if i did? :)

i wrote last time about how i'm a leader for the jr. high group, and i'm coming to learn, sometimes, it's really hard to lead, and even more so when you feel like you're just figuring things out yourself. like, how can i possible show this girl a role model, when everything about me is unfinished and incomplete? but i think i'm starting to learn, that is what it means to lead, no i'm not done, but i can show those girls just what is going on in my life, and share with them what i have gone through and made it through and just be there for them. sometimes, all you really need is someone to understand. you don't always need someone who has the answer, you just need someone who can say, i've been there. and you will make it.
that can mean a whole lot more then someone telling you what to do.
a  lot of times though, i feel like this.

that you just screwed up to many times to be any good anymore. what could God possible do with you?
but is that always true? you mess up once and then bam, out of leadership. you screwed it up. you're done.
if that was true i would have been done leading the day after i started.
but i have to say, those girls give me something to strive for. after seeing them grow for 3 years now, and knowing i was apart of that. it does something to you. they've been there for me more times then i can count. once when i was in the hospital, all of them signed a card for me. every single kid did. and one even wrote "i don't know who you are cuz this is my first time coming. but i'm praying you feel better" Peyton made me a huge birthday card last year. and so many times they hae just made me smile. something they say, or a hug they give me. one boy gave me his snow man mug to, cuz i really liked it. haha.
i really don't think you know love until a bunch of jr highers pile it on you.
i love them, and it's sad to think the girls i started with are moving onto highschool after this year (and it makes me feel old...) but i'm so excited to watch them grow even more.

random fact
my eye doctor has told me there is no name for my eye color, because they are in rings. so they aren't technically hazel. but they aren't brown or green. i have a brown ring on the inside, a ring of yellow (yes, yellow) and then a ring of green. they have already changed colors a few times in my life. i started out with bright blue eyes, the then turned brown from the inside out and for awhile i had brown eyes with a blue ring around them. then i had almost black brown eyes until i was about 14, then all of the sudden my hair got more curly (it was stick straight before) and my eyes changed to this. it's pretty weird.
until the next one,
emilie