a new month, a new start?

Day 19: Something you miss
i miss Malibu. i want something to pick me up again. i don't want to get stuck in a rut, i want my faith to keep growing. i need to find that thing or that person to push me, challenge me. make me grow. i miss that deep deep desire. i don't want it to fade away. but when life starts hitting you, it gets hard...

Day 20: Nicknames
i don't have many, but here we go
emiberry
emi
em
noodle nose (don't ask, no one knows)
i've had a couple people call me emma, which isn't used often, but i actually like it a lot
that's about it i think

basically, i feel like i've reached that point, i'm coming off of the high, the camp high if you will. Malibu is finally becoming more and more of just a memory, i don't want it to. i want to keep going, i don't know where to search to find it, i've read all the books, but it's getting harder. it's hard to read my bible, it's hard to not fall into a sin. it's hard to be content with my life, it's hard to keep hoping and praying. i want something, anything, to be easy for once. and i don't know where to find that. i mean, i know God, but i don't know where i am now, i don't know what i need to make me grow.  i'm trying to read Mere Christianity, but i get stuck, i'm trying to finish The Shack, but it frustrates me, because it is me. i try to read my Bible, but i don't know where to start.
i just want one answer, laid in front of me. that's more obvious then anything.
i just want to keep growing. i don't want to be stuck. i want to get past this and keep searching and keep becoming me, i don't want to hit the top of one hill and sit there, i want to climb the next one. but first i have to find the path.
or maybe, i have to create my own path...

random fact
i plan on legally changing the spelling of my name from emily to emilie once i'm 18 (surprise, i just started using a different spelling when i was 11, haven't gone back)

always searching...
emilie